Baby #3

Three days ago we made a trip in to Peace River to get my 20-week ultrasound.

Here is a little background information on the event:
After having two boys, i am SO ready for a girl! I like sewing, as one of my many hobbies, and have BIG plans for a baby girl (boys just aren't as fun to sew for)! I want to experiance something different, regardless of the fact that everyone says girls are harder! Not to mention the fact that when one is bald, too fat to fit into her pretty clothes, and constantly surrounded by boys, it makes it difficult to feel feminine. There's too much blue, too many trucks, too many monsters, too much wrestling and sword fighting. If i could afford to go out for a massage, or a pedicure, or a facial; if i could go out once in a while and do something girly with girlfriends, maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

I anxiously await the day when i can have a girl to bring some femininity back into my life again. I can't style my hair, but at least i can style hers. I have no hair to put pretty bows in, but i can make some for her. I look like crap in anything i wear, but she'll look cute in anything i buy or sew for her. I can't have pink bedding (Josh would refuse to sleep with me!), but I can make some for her.
I've always been a tomboy, and enjoyed doing boy things, but I've also enjoyed my feminine side. These days it feels like I am tomboy and nothing else. A girl would bring back my balance - i can be rough and tumble with my boys, and dainty and frilly with her. At least when we're not enjoying her tomboy side... hahaha.
So anyway, back on track, I was having a girl. I was 110% SURE that i was having a girl. I was buying pink fabric, and had a plan to make a patchwork newborn dress with a matching quilt to take to the hospital with me. I was sorting through the hand-me-down girl clothes Josh's sister had left us. I even bought some amazingly cute pink onesies at a yard sale, and a soft pink teddy bear at a closeout sale in town. But i held myself back a bit - i didn't want to get too carried away, just in case... But i was sure THAT wouldn't happen.

On the day of the ultrasound, i was full of excitement and anticipation - today we are going to know FOR SURE! Then i could start all my sewing projects. I was definitely seeing pink!
We went in, the tech took all her measurements, but was having trouble getting a good look at the heart. The baby was curled up, knees tucked, legs crossed, and kept rolling. It made it difficult to determine gender as well. When i asked her what it was, she took a few minutes to check, then said tentatively, "...Boy..??"

I felt my heart fall a couple of notches, but she didn't sound sure, so i still retained my hope. She then asked me to go empty my bladder, so see if we could make some room and get the baby to change position so she could get that shot of the heart she wanted. After she got her picture, i asked if she would be willing to check again, just to be sure.

Yep, it was definitely a boy.

Now, i'm going to admit something here that i'm pretty ashamed of, though i'm confident that the three people who actually read this blog love me enough that they won't judge me too harshly. I had a hard time developing a connection to this baby. With both the boys, i felt a spiritual and emotional awareness right from the beginning, a tenderness and affection even before they had hands and feet! I didn't feel that with this one. Everyone asked me if this pregnancy was different, and it was, though it took me a while to figure out why. I wasn't filled with that emotion, that connection. I really hated myself, then thought, "well, it's not even moving yet, and i suffered a lot of disappointment in taking so long to get pregnant this time, perhaps it will just take time for it to feel more real."

Again, it made me sure it was a girl. I've always had a more difficult time relating emotionally to girl children then boys, and i figured that could have been the difference, somehow. 19 weeks came, i started feeling light kicks, and our relationship began to grow. I was right, it became more real, more exciting.

When we found out it was a boy, the disappointment overwhelmed me. I did not expect at ALL to be so depressed! Disappointed, yes. Angry?? No! My first thought when she showed us ... "it"... was, "A boy? I don't WANT another boy! Send it back! Do something, i'm supposed to have a girl!!"

For two days i cried. Another boy. No girl for me. All that money wasted on pink things. And not just that, but guilt and self-hatred over the fact that i could not stop the feelings of "I don't want this baby anymore!" I even started to feel antagonistic towards the two boys i already had! "How dare you be boys! I'm so darn sick of boys!!" And oh, the guilt! What a horrible mother i am! I told myself it would pass, that i had 20 more weeks to learn to love this baby, but that was a small consolation. Though, I did feel gratitude that we found out now, because if i had to deal with feelings like this after being presented with my newborn... i don't even want to think.

But with time, the wonderful love of my husband, and a LOT of prayer, I came to accept the fact that this is what my Heavenly Father wants me to do. My love may not be perfect just yet, but His is. I may not feel equal to the task of raising a clan of boys, but with His help, i can be. What i wanted, what i longed for, what i prayed for, DREAMED about, was different than what  i needed. I've always had confidence in that - that we are not always given what we want, but we are ALWAYS given what we need, and our task is to learn from it the lessons we need to be taught. I don't always like it - sometimes i HATE it! I seem to be constantly given things that test my patience, because my Father in Heaven knows that i have none, and patience is a very necessary trait for motherhood!

Anyway, things are better now, and though i'm not yet completely gaga over this baby, we're on the right path. It's comforting to know that there have been other mothers who admit to not feeling that perfect love right away. I think i'll be okay. I still have time.

Meanwhile, i've been watching this - over and over again! It is a message i need to remember constantly, especially through those days (like today!!) where everything seems to go wrong!