Feeling Lonely...

This isn't really a happy post, and i don't know how many people read this blog anyway, but i have things pressing on my mind and heart that i just want to send out into the void. Sometimes i get so emotionally overwhelmed that i feel that if i did not talk about them, i would explode! Josh has heard all these things so many times, and gets frustrated that he has no solution for my problems, which was never the point, but as a husband he feels obligated to provide for every need (a trait i love, but there are some things he just can't fix).

As i look over my life, i can feel comforted by the many things i have. I have a home, I have a wonderful husband who loves me more deeply than sometimes i deserve, I have two beautiful little boys who are happy, intelligent, energetic, little rays of sunshine (and sometimes stormclouds) that make my life at the very least interesting. =) We don't have a lot of money, but our needs are met and our bills are paid. I have wonderful family and friends in many places who love me and support me. I have the Gospel in my life, which uplifts me and teaches me in ways i can't even begin to describe. I have overcome obstacles in my life, mostly in the past five years, that i would never before have thought possible.

But we are never without trials. Sometimes we may think that life is perfect, but there is always something to improve upon. Having made it through many different trials, often with strength that was not my own, I am still left with a pretty big one: a deep and profound sense of lonliness. It's not something that's obvious - by nature i am a very solitary person, i enjoy my time to myself (scarce as it is these days), but it still pains me from time to time that i have absolutely no social life.

Many people say that, mostly teenagers who spend all day at school and the rest of the evening at home, bored out of their minds. But for me, it could not be more true. I spend every day and night at home, with my kids, trying to find ways to fill the boredom. I play with the kids, color with them, read with them. I browse the internet, mostly facebook and sewing blogs, do some sewing of my own, read, watch TV, clean, cook meals, organize (and reorganize) shelves and drawers, and pretty much anything else a young mom with little ones, confined to her home for long periods of time, can think to do.

Sometimes i do go out - on nice days, we go out to the yard and work in the garden, or go for a walk to pick up the mail and visit Josh at the store while we buy groceries. Or we go to the park and visit some other stores. I take the boys to their play group on mondays, and Elijah goes to soccer on monday and wednesday evenings. Once a month we drive the hour and 15 minutes to Slave Lake to pick up some food or household necessities at Wal-Mart or Extra Foods, taking advantage of the lower prices. Sometimes, for a treat, we buy donuts at Tim Hortons while in the city.

And that is the extent of my life. While it all may seem busy enough, i really miss having friends. I have never been good at making friends. We moved to High Prairie from Edmonton just over four years ago, and i still don't have friends that i feel comforatble calling up and inviting over on a whim, let alone inviting myself over to their house for a visit because i'm bored and want to get out. Anyone i feel i could get close to ends up moving away shortly after, and i am beginning to feel like, "what's the point?".

I miss having someone i could call up and say, "I'm bored" or "I'm having a bad day, can I come hang out?". I miss having parties and social gatherings to attend. I miss having someone who would happily babysit so Josh and i could have a date, or someone i could go out and do something with, ditching the kids with Josh! My home is too small and cruddy for social gatherings, and i never get an opportunity to use any excuse for a party, kids birthdays especially, where i could invite people over to break the ice. When i finally DO get invited to something, i sit and smile, respond to people who talk to me, but i've never been one to elbow my way into a discussion, and i've ALWAYS been very bad at conversation starters. Not to mention the conversation is almost always news about various people in town (who i do not know), drinking (which i do not do), beauty treatments (which i cannot afford), or other things which i just cannot relate to.


I can't say that i have NO friends. That's not true. I have lots of friends, lots of WONDERFUL friends whom i love dearly! But distance and limited cash flow make visiting them difficult, and sometimes impossible. Having a friend or two that live nearby, that I could do things with often, that i could just be myself around, someone to escape to when life just gets to be too much... that would make all the difference in the world. But i'm too shy, too scared. Not to mention the fact that everyone else has friends, a job, social gatherings to attend... They have enough, nobody needs me. I'm invisible, nobody notices me. I eminate an aura of depression and frustration, nobody wants me.

I have learned to accept the lack of sociability as part of my life, and have gotten on so far without it. I can be happy socializing at play group, though i spend most of it chasing after my kids, at soccer, though there's never anyone to talk to, or at church, though conversation is limited, and again, i'm chasing after kids. But there are days, like today, where the full weight of my lonliness falls on me all at once, and i sit here thinking, "It's just not fair!" I try to think of social opportunities where i could make friends, but it seems that everything around here centers around drinking heavily. Apparantly it's the only way to have a good time. Blah!
The "easy" solution is to move, although our time here is not yet spent, and moving when you have no job prospects and no money isn't exactly a viable option.

Thank you for listening, if you've made it this far. I don't expect answers or advice, i just wanted to send this out into the void, anything to get it off my shoulders for now, and next time, i will have something happier to report.