Alopecia

Many people have asked, and even more have wondered, why I am bald. Though most of you have probably had it explained to you already, here I am going to explain it in more detail, with pictures even (oooo! hahaha)! Josh gets a lot of questions, mostly, i think, because people are afraid that i might be offended, or that it might embarass or depress me if it's pointed out. I am very honest and open about it, most especially now that i have learned to cope, and to love myself no matter what. Though i will admit that i still have NOT gone out in public without something covering most of my head. We've had many think that it's cancer, which is better, i suppose, than the assumptions that i am bald on purpose (I've gotten a LOT of that!).
In September of 2006, still dealing with the many changes in my life, not the least of which was our 6-month-old bundle of energy, Elijah, as well as some pretty severe depression, I began to notice that I was "shedding" more than usual. I didn't think much of it, until the day i put my hair in braided pigtails and josh pointed out that there was a bald spot! I looked, and sure enough, there was a bald spot on the back of my head, some 1 1/2 or 2 inches in diameter. As time passed, and the bald spot grew, i had to get creative with my hairstyles to hide it. Then came another one, and another, and another... all over the back and top of my head, little bald spots kept popping up. By the end of October, they became even more difficult to hide. As you can see by this photo, taken at Halloween, even with my hair curled and heavily hair sprayed, it is still very flat and thin.

Pictures from 2006 are scarce, as we did not get our digital camera until March of 2007. I'm sure they're all on a disc somewhere, but rather than go hunting (i'm too lazy right now), we'll continue without them for the time being.
In September or October, i saw my doctor about my hair falling out, and he found that i had hypothyroidism (which also explained a bit of my depression as well), but even after medication, my hair continued to fall out. He sent me to a specialist in Grande Prairie, and we all went in on November 17th, 2006, hoping for some good news. The specialist examined me for maybe 5 seconds before sitting back and explaining that what i had was called Alopecia Areata, a condition described by patches of hair on the head falling out. I suppose i had the distinct pattern. He told us that there is no known cause, and no known cure. Some treatments had worked, including steroids (which i couldn't use because i was breastfeeding), injections directly into the scalp (ouch!!), or... time. He told us that sometimes it comes back, sometimes it doesn't. He didn't sound hopeful that mine WOULD come back, but gave suggestions about neck and scalp massage to increase bloodflow, wearing a babushka rather than a hat (which apparantly cuts down circulation), and some other things. I left feeling horrible, and over the next several months (and i could say years!) faced a great deal of anxiety and depression about it. My hair continued to fall out, though mercifully my bangs were the last to go - at least i could cover up with a bandanna and still look okay.

These photos were taken on May 4, 2007 - most of my hair had fallen out, and even my eyebrows were thinning. To get an idea of how quick it was falling out, here is a photo taken less than three weeks later:

I trimmed it close, still hanging on to hope that it would grow, but i belived i ended up just shaving off what was left shortly after that.
By july, the eyebrows started going too:

Though thankfully, this is about as bald as they got. By autumn, a wonderful thing happened - pregnancy hormones kicked in, and by December my eyebrows were growing back! everything was growing back! By february 2008, i had this:

(look at the hair, and the adorable baby! not my face... yuk...)
Riley proved good for me! My  hair was growing! By august 2008, i had THIS:

But it was not to last.... It was amazing how quickly it could grow, and how quickly it could fall out again! Here's one month later:

Completely bald again. Though i still had eyebrows and eyelashes! Then those started going too...

For halloween i was a vampire (i wore a wig, but took it off at the end of the night, and took some photos before cleaning off the makeup), and i did something i'd never done before - i drew in my eyebrows. there just were not enough hairs left. I also had to go heavy on the eyeliner, as my eyelashes were very thin.
By december, it was all gone. Not just the head hair and eye hairs - nose hairs, arm hairs, leg hairs, *ahem* yes, those hairs too. All of it, completely gone! And the thing that made me mad was that there was NO reason for it! I did not take any medications, i did not eat or do anything differently, the only difference was that I was halfway through a pregnancy when it started to regrow, and i had been nursing for about 6 or 7 months when it started falling out again! And this time, to the extreme!
So i spent all of 2009 and the beginning of 2010 with no hair at all. I spend a lot of time meditating, praying, looking inside myself for something to feel good about, something to define me besides my baldness. I was very overweight too, and i had a hard time seeing anything in the mirror besides "that fat, bald, crazy woman!". It took time, and it was difficult. Eventually the days became easier, especially after i started losing weight. There were still days where i would get down, frustrated, sometimes angry that it had to be this way, but they became few and far between. There's nothing i can do to change the fact that i have no hair. There is no treatment for me. There are many claims, pills and creams and shampoos that say they help reverse Alopecia Universalis (which is the most extreme version of the condition, and what i have now), but they are expensive, and not guaranteed.
My life has changed drastically since i got married, and i'm finding myself in places and situations that i never imagined i would be. I had never heard of this condition until i got it myself, and would never have imagined in my wildest nightmares that it would happen to me. But I woud not trade the things that i have learned through this experiance for anything. I learned that there are some things i can't change, and it does no good to cry about it. But learning this takes time - it's only natural to feel the anger, depression, and pain that goes with such a thing. At first, i didn't WANT it to be okay! I didn't WANT to accept it! I wanted it OVER! But with time came acceptance, and a view of my inner beauty that i had never had before.
What i also gained was a view of the beauty of others, regardless of physical appearance. I'd never though of myself as an overly judgemental person, at least since i passed the "pompous teenager" stage (others may say differently, i don't know...), but i uncovered the ugly part of myself that always seemed to take in appearance first, that chuckled a little when someone who was very different, in appearance or behavior, passed by. That part of me was exposed, and with a little effort removed, and left a greater capacity for Christ-Like love. Really, truly seeing people through the eyes of our Father in Heaven is an incredible gift, and a skill i hope everyone has a chance to learn.
There are other things i learned, but this post is already long enough. I end it on a note that truly shows the wisdom of the Lord's timing: My hair is once again growing back! It's slow - growing hair from scratch is a bit more difficult than adding to what's already there - but it's happening. I accept the fact that i AM pregnant again, and that could be the only cause, and it could just fall out again after the baby is born, but it gives me hope. And i know that if it does fall out again, i now have what it takes to deal with it.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! I know i've probably forgotten SOME details... =)