Christmas

For the past month or two, i have been more or less absent from the internet. This was due to a large combination of factors, most of which boil down to the fact that i was extremely busy and more than a little depressed. And my laptop battery died. But we have a desktop, so that's not much of an excuse, had i been determined enough.

I am a Christmas person. I am one of those people that pulls out the Christmas music and movies on November 1st. That's when i start planning presents, shopping, sewing, etc, if not sooner. This year that all kinda fell apart, and by the time i got started with anything Christmas, it was already partway through December and i was rapidly running out of time. Thankfully, most of the shopping had been done back in October, since i had the opportunity, and i predicted that November would be busy. But a lot of the usual traditions fell by the wayside. I tried to convince myself that it wasn't a huge deal, and remained surprisingly calm through most of it, but i still had my moments. Too many. I can't really explain why, but Christmas just wasn't hitting me this year, and i felt hollow and frustrated that my usual Christmas intensity was missing.

Christmas has the strange quality of being simultaneously the best time of the year and the worst time of the year. Usually I focus on the traditions our little family loves, particularly the Christ-centered ones, to keep afloat. But with the disturbing lack of Christmas Spirit i was feeling this year, I found it hard to avoid the sadness of being so far away from family visits, get-togethers, and parties.

I have been trying to make a point of staying positive on my blog and on facebook. The sad fact of the matter is that in such forums, there are too many people who just don't care how depressed and discouraged you are. And something like that is hard to talk about in type anyway. So i stayed away... i just couldn't make myself sound happy and excited about anything. 

I wish i could say that there was some wonderful realization - that i experienced a Christmas miracle and my poor grinchy heart grew three sizes or something like that, but that's not what happened. Technically, i wasn't hating Christmas. I know what the season is about, and i love it, no matter what other people try to make of it. But my usual fervor was gone, and instead of being the wonderful, exciting, dramatic climax of the year, it was celebrated minimally, like any minor holiday.

But, despite how low key everything was, we still managed to enjoy it. The children were so excited with what they received, and particularly excited about what they gave, since this was the first year they had actually picked out presents for everyone else. Josh spoiled me, as usual, but i also got to spoil him a little this year, which made me feel good. Josh had three days off, and he made good use of it, spending time with his boys. We snacked on homemade junk food all day (Don't worry, i also threw in a few healthy things), and just relaxed on Christmas Day, saving the turkey for Boxing Day. Normally we do the turkey Christmas Day, but we weren't having guests for dinner this year, and decided since we were tired and full and enjoying being together, we would worry about cooking a huge meal the next day.

And now that most of the stress of preparation is over, and most of the depression and discouragement along with it, I'm more or less back online. Though i expect to be more distracted than usual. I'm writing again, working on a new novel that i hope to actually finish this time. It's taking a lot out of me mentally, and between that, the house, and the children, there isn't much left of me by the end of the day.

I hope you all had a great Christmas. The birth of our Saviour is reason enough to celebrate, whether things pan out just right or not. Traditions are fun and exciting and serve the great purpose of marking this time of year as different and special. But it's nice to know that even without them, Christmas is still Christmas. There still that special feeling of peace and love that befits the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, if you can let go of your sorrows long enough to feel it. I admit to many moments of sorrow. It's not easy for me to let go of things. But when i stopped for a moment to really think about it, Christmas was not ruined just because of the thousand and one things i wouldn't get to do this year. Christmas is special because it's Christmas.

It's also significant to me that New Years follows so swiftly after Christmas. Christmas: a time of year where the Spirit of the Saviour touches the hearts of so many (whether they truly realize it or not), inspiring them to be like Him. To be humble, kind, generous, loving, faithful. Then a week later we have a new beginning, a clean slate, the opportunity to commit ourselves to try harder, to improve where we are failing. To remember, and then to practice the things that the Savior taught us through His example. At the very least, self-mastery and diligence.

I love you all! and thank you for your love and support.