Christmas

For the past month or two, i have been more or less absent from the internet. This was due to a large combination of factors, most of which boil down to the fact that i was extremely busy and more than a little depressed. And my laptop battery died. But we have a desktop, so that's not much of an excuse, had i been determined enough.

I am a Christmas person. I am one of those people that pulls out the Christmas music and movies on November 1st. That's when i start planning presents, shopping, sewing, etc, if not sooner. This year that all kinda fell apart, and by the time i got started with anything Christmas, it was already partway through December and i was rapidly running out of time. Thankfully, most of the shopping had been done back in October, since i had the opportunity, and i predicted that November would be busy. But a lot of the usual traditions fell by the wayside. I tried to convince myself that it wasn't a huge deal, and remained surprisingly calm through most of it, but i still had my moments. Too many. I can't really explain why, but Christmas just wasn't hitting me this year, and i felt hollow and frustrated that my usual Christmas intensity was missing.

Christmas has the strange quality of being simultaneously the best time of the year and the worst time of the year. Usually I focus on the traditions our little family loves, particularly the Christ-centered ones, to keep afloat. But with the disturbing lack of Christmas Spirit i was feeling this year, I found it hard to avoid the sadness of being so far away from family visits, get-togethers, and parties.

I have been trying to make a point of staying positive on my blog and on facebook. The sad fact of the matter is that in such forums, there are too many people who just don't care how depressed and discouraged you are. And something like that is hard to talk about in type anyway. So i stayed away... i just couldn't make myself sound happy and excited about anything. 

I wish i could say that there was some wonderful realization - that i experienced a Christmas miracle and my poor grinchy heart grew three sizes or something like that, but that's not what happened. Technically, i wasn't hating Christmas. I know what the season is about, and i love it, no matter what other people try to make of it. But my usual fervor was gone, and instead of being the wonderful, exciting, dramatic climax of the year, it was celebrated minimally, like any minor holiday.

But, despite how low key everything was, we still managed to enjoy it. The children were so excited with what they received, and particularly excited about what they gave, since this was the first year they had actually picked out presents for everyone else. Josh spoiled me, as usual, but i also got to spoil him a little this year, which made me feel good. Josh had three days off, and he made good use of it, spending time with his boys. We snacked on homemade junk food all day (Don't worry, i also threw in a few healthy things), and just relaxed on Christmas Day, saving the turkey for Boxing Day. Normally we do the turkey Christmas Day, but we weren't having guests for dinner this year, and decided since we were tired and full and enjoying being together, we would worry about cooking a huge meal the next day.

And now that most of the stress of preparation is over, and most of the depression and discouragement along with it, I'm more or less back online. Though i expect to be more distracted than usual. I'm writing again, working on a new novel that i hope to actually finish this time. It's taking a lot out of me mentally, and between that, the house, and the children, there isn't much left of me by the end of the day.

I hope you all had a great Christmas. The birth of our Saviour is reason enough to celebrate, whether things pan out just right or not. Traditions are fun and exciting and serve the great purpose of marking this time of year as different and special. But it's nice to know that even without them, Christmas is still Christmas. There still that special feeling of peace and love that befits the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, if you can let go of your sorrows long enough to feel it. I admit to many moments of sorrow. It's not easy for me to let go of things. But when i stopped for a moment to really think about it, Christmas was not ruined just because of the thousand and one things i wouldn't get to do this year. Christmas is special because it's Christmas.

It's also significant to me that New Years follows so swiftly after Christmas. Christmas: a time of year where the Spirit of the Saviour touches the hearts of so many (whether they truly realize it or not), inspiring them to be like Him. To be humble, kind, generous, loving, faithful. Then a week later we have a new beginning, a clean slate, the opportunity to commit ourselves to try harder, to improve where we are failing. To remember, and then to practice the things that the Savior taught us through His example. At the very least, self-mastery and diligence.

I love you all! and thank you for your love and support.

Riley's Surgery

Riley went in for his surgery yesterday. My kids are still very young and have been quite healthy (thank Heaven) so this was my first time going through a surgery as a mother and, of course, i was terribly nervous. We spent the preceding week in Lethbridge visiting family for Thanksgiving, and planned to stop in Edmonton for the surgery on our way home. But the hospital doesn't really schedule these things until the day before, which really stressed me out. Oh, i knew that it would be on friday, and i knew where to go, but i didn't know if i'd have to be there at four in the morning or seven at night. I didn't even know how long i would have to be there. This combined with a bad memory and wonderful procrastination skills, it was a rush two days before trying to find a place to spend the night and a babysitter for my other two kids at an unknown time and for an unknown length. I like to be organized, especially when we travel, so this was killing me. But a couple wonderful friends stepped forward to help, and that all worked out beautifully.

After a sleepless night (brought on by a fussy baby and an anxious mom), accidentally running a red light (Kingsway Ave-111 Ave is the stupidest intersection EVER!), and getting lost for 45 minutes in the hospital (going up and down the elevators trying to find SOME WAY to get to the second floor), i was stressed and frazzled enough. But this guy was perfectly fine, though he'd only gotten about 5 hours of sleep.

They weighed and measured him, checked his vitals, discussed procedures and legal forms, and had me sign a bunch of things. They put numbing cream on his hands for the IV, which he thought was cool. My kids like band-aids.

  

Then he got to go to the playroom to kill time while the cream soaked in and they got things ready for the procedure. There were cars... 

  

and trains...

 

And lots of other things that he didn't pay much attention to. There was an 18 month-old little Spanish girl in there as well, and Riley played so nicely with her. When they first walked in, he told her mom that the little girl was not allowed to have his train, but then, when no one was watching, he gave her his engine, and started playing other games with her. Those two were the only kids there.

When the time came to go down to the OR, Riley got to ride down in a wagon (which i pulled)!

 

Down in the waiting room, Riley started to get a little scared. He doesn't cry when he's scared or nervous, but he gets very quiet, very shy, and very serious. He seemed to realize something unpleasant was about to happen. He didn't play much with the toys there.

 

I managed to coax one goofy smile from him, but that was all he'd give me.

 

I got to go with him right into the OR, wearing a yellow nightgown and a foofy blue hat. They sat Riley up on the bed and they had me stand in front of him and give him a big hug while they put the IV in his hand. He even watched them put the needle in! He inhaled sharply when it went in, but otherwise didn't make a sound. They taped it down, but had to wait a few minutes for the doctor to arrive before they gave him the anesthesia. (And, funnily enough, i learned that his nurse was the niece of my neighbor across the street. Small world!)

I kept reassuring him, because even though he wasn't making a peep, i knew he was scared. When the doctor came, they had me bear hug him again while they put the anesthesia in the IV. They told me it would work quickly, but i was unprepared for how fast and how horrifying it would actually be! As my friend said to me afterwards, "It's like watching somebody die". They injected him through the IV, and within seconds, his body went limp, and as they set him back on the bed, his eyes were half open, rolling back in his head. It looked so unnatural, so terrifying. The doctor walked me out of the room then. Even as she told me how well i was doing, i was choking up, almost in tears with that last image of Riley playing over and over in my mind. i think the shock of it is what kept me from bawling my eyes out - i could not have prepared myself for how difficult it was to see.

Riley was in surgery for an hour and a half. I was tempted to take the doctor's advice and go to the cafeteria, since i hadn't eaten breakfast, but i was too anxious. i didn't want to leave the waiting room. I am a very protective and nervous mama bear. Thankfully, my friend who was watching my other two boys also loaned me a book and her Nintendo DS to help me pass the time. I started reading The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan, and found myself sufficiently distracted (though i still looked up every time a nurse or doctor walked by). By the end of the day, i'd made it through half the book. I never made it to the DS. ;)

Around 10:45am, a nurse came to get me, and i walked back up to the room with my sleeping boy. He looked so sweet and peaceful. One nurse we shared the elevator with asked Riley's nurse, "How come you always get the cute ones? All i ever get are the old men!"

 

Riley slept for about an hour and a half. I sat by his bed reading my book, trying not to let myself become too nervous. I wanted him to wake up, to know he was okay, to know the surgery had gone well. Every time he twitched i stroked his arm, his hair, whispered his name. At one point his eyes shot open, then closed quickly again and he went back to sleep. i was so glad they had warned me that his eyes would be bloodshot, or i probably would have screamed - the whites of his eyes were completely red! He said "mom" a couple of times in his sleep, which made me even more anxious to have him wake up. But i successfully resisted the urge to shake him or pinch him.

When he finally did wake up, he was pretty groggy. I offered him his water, which he didn't want, but he downed the small dixie cup of apple juice in seconds. He refused to open his eyes, but was good-tempered enough. i asked him how he was feeling and he said his eyes hurt. The nurse gave him some tylenol and an orange popsicle.

 

He was fairly calm, as is his nature. He wasn't too upset about not being able to see. He felt around for things he needed and mostly just rested or talked with me. He cried for only a second when he asked for another popsicle, a red one, and was told they only had orange. But he happily ate his second popsicle anyway.  And on the way back to our friend's house to pick up the other boys, he cried for a minute or two because he'd wanted to take home one of the riding cars from the toy room.

A couple hours later, it seemed the effects of the anesthesia and the tylenol were wearing off, because he started to wimper and cry a bit more. It hurt him too much to open his eyes. He kept trying to rub them, which i wasn't supposed to allow him to do. He obeyed me without much fuss, but wasn't happy about it. A cool, damp washcloth my friend gave him helped a little. He was so upset that he couldn't go outside and play with the other boys. He was determined to do it, but i wouldn't let him - he wasn't quite used to being blind, and i didn't want him crashing into things. He would squint a tiny, tiny bit, but not enough to really see much.

We drove home to High Prairie that evening, where Riley got to enjoy some nice cuddles with his dad before we put them to bed. This morning, 24 hours post-surgery, Riley had one eye open. They other one still hurt too much, and the lid was a little swollen. 

 

But by 12:30 in the afternoon, he was opening them both for short periods of time (before shutting them quickly and whimpering). The progress seems slow, but in reality, it's only been a day. I think it just seems slow because he can't really do much to distract himself while he's waiting for it to heal. It's hard to do anything when you can't see.

Today we're taking it easy. I'm almost out of tylenol, and while i'm sure the ointment i'm supposed to put on his eyes does help, Riley HATES when i have to force his eyes open a little to put it in. We're cuddling and watching cartoons and eating junk food. He's acting a bit more like himself, trying to get up and do things, but inevitably he comes back to the couch within minutes - his eyes just hurt too much. He likes to have Jonah sit with him, and will gently feel his head, face, arms and legs like a blind man trying to identify someone. But sadly, Jonah doesn't much like sitting for too long. 

His glasses broke while we were in Lethbridge, so i have to wait until Monday to take them in to get fixed. He can't really wear them yet anyway, so it isn't a big deal. It's making me crazy because i'm so anxious to see how his eyes line up now. There is improvement, though. When he had both eyes open briefly earlier, i could see that while they crossed a little bit, it was not nearly as severe as before. I really believe that when he's rested, healed, and wearing his glasses again they will line up beautifully.

A New Photo and Some News

I realize it's been a LOOOOOOONG time since i've blogged here. I'm sorry!!

To make you happy, here's an adorable picture of my boys in their new footie jammies...

On Friday, Riley is going in to Edmonton for surgery on his eyes. We saw a  specialist months ago who found that even with glasses, Riley's eyes were still crossing, and his glasses perscription was already as high as it could go. So he's going under the knife to try to correct the problem with his crossed eyes.

I feel very good about the doctor who will do the surgery. She's well experienced in this type of surgery, and was very good at helping us understand the situation. She said the only real danger was overcompensation; since it's so hard to accurately measure just how much the inner muscle needs to be loosened, the danger is loosening it too much and having the eye cross the other way, which can be corrected with a second surgery. They said only about 2/3 of these type of surgeries are done right the first time, and it is not uncommon to require a second or third surgery.

We are praying very hard for Riley to be one of the 2/3. Not only would it be a pain to keep traveling back and forth from High Prairie to Edmonton, but it's so much strain on such a little boy.

It's just day surgery, with the actual procedure taking about 45 minutes to 1 hour. The hospital won't be able to tell me what time the surgery is scheduled for until tomorrow (the day before) which is really making me crazy - i like to be super organized when we go on trips (we are in Lethbridge now. We spent thanksgiving with my family and will be going to Edmonton for the surgery on the way home).

Prayers for Riley would be most welcome. This is the first time any of my children have had surgery, and though it is short and relatively simple, i'm still nervous.

I'll post again next week, to let you know how it went!

Temple Trip

Last weekend we went to Edmonton for a temple trip. The temple will be closing for renovations for a few months, so our branch scheduled a time to get down there and do some baptisms for the dead. We were a little late in setting up babysitters and sleeping arrangements, and no one was available so we ended up staying in a motel. We don't like the cost of motels, and normally can't afford it, but we had a little extra and no other options so it worked out. It was a nice change - i liked that we could let the kids go crazy without breaking things or annoying people. =)

Since they needed Josh at the temple, and we didn't have child care, he got to go  while i stayed behind. It was pretty stressful, trying to shop in Edmonton on a Saturday. We did some of the shopping before we took josh to the temple, then went to Ikea for hot dogs and frozen yogurt. The boys begged and begged to go play in Smaland, so i told them i would bring them back after we dropped daddy off. I thought it would help them burn off some energy and give me a little break for an hour before we went off shopping again. When we returned to Ikea, we found that Smaland was closed for renovations. So i had to try and shop for groceries at another store while they burned off their energy by pinching, biting, hitting and pulling each other's hair, trapped in the shopping cart.

Long story short, it was a rough day. The kids were tired and cranky, as were mom and dad. It was warm. Traffic was bad, even before it got severely congested due to an accident. We spent too much money. We stayed too late and got home too late. I was very disappointed and discouraged that i didn't get to attend the temple. Tempers were raging. And yet, we enjoyed some amazing  sights as well - natural wonders that seemed to be Heavenly Father's way of helping us cope with a difficult trip; we don't often see so many sights on a normal trip to the city.

On the way to the city on Friday night, we saw an incredible rainbow - the biggest and brightest any of us had seen in a very long time! it stretched all across the sky! it was magnificent! and it was a double rainbow - though the second one was hard to see much of the time.

when the boys and i went to pick Josh up at the temple, we stopped at the garden, so i could just enjoy the peace and beauty of the place. Though i did not get to feel it inside the temple, the Spirit definitely lingers even outside of it, and i certainly felt the need for it. As i sat back on a bench, breathing in the quiet and the peace, trying to calm my stresses, a baby bunny hopped out of the bushes! It was absolutely adorable, and not as skittish as i thought it should have been. It let the boys get pretty close before it hopped away. Even then, it didn't go very far, so we had a chance to enjoy the wonder and cuteness of a tiny baby bunny in the temple gardens for several minutes.

And on the way home late at night, frustrated and exhausted, we were treated to an incredible lightning show. On the highway, about 40 minutes from home, the whole sky on the horizon lit up with lightning - forks of it dancing from cloud to cloud, just an awesome and beautiful display of nature.

So a trip that was, at many points, severely difficult actually ended up giving us some beautiful moments, and memories the kids enjoy sharing with anyone who will listen. =)

A Couple of Videos

Riley "Golfing" at our friends Bill and Michelle's house. He would swing and swing, and occasionally make a good hit, which i was hoping to catch. But the ending of THIS video makes me laugh every time!



Jonah "Talking". He is 5 1/2 months old, and makes hilarious sounds and faces when he gets upset.

A Whole New World

Riley now wears glasses. I ran in to the clinic just before 7 pm closing last night to pick them up. They came in the smallest, cutest little case:

and of course I had to have him try them on before he settled in to bed...

He was super exhaused, which is why his eye is still crossing so badly. i don't know why i thought the glasses would instanly correct the crossed eye, but I realize now that the eye and the brain need time to adjust. Today is his first full day wearing them. We went to play group in the morning, and i just watched him as he experianced things in a whole new way.

It is hard for me to imagine what he's experiancing now. Children who are born with vision problems grow up thinking that's what the world looks like, because that's all they've ever known. At three years old, he's still a bit young to verbally express what he's seeing now, but the change i see in his behaviour tells me that it's wonderful!

Normally he'll walk around the room leisurely, glancing around at things. He'll play a bit with one thing or the other, usually in short bursts, and always glancing up to look around at the other kids (perfectly understandable in such an environment).

Today, he RAN! He ran because he could see well enough to not trip or crash into things. He zipped from one thing to the other, and the time he spent with each toy he played with was close and engaged, almost in awe. It's so hard to describe, but i could tell that he was seeing everything differently, and it excited him!

The most distinctive change in him was the coloring. Riley was never huge on coloring. He would sit down with paper and crayons every so often, but the reason was more social (his brother/friends were doing it) than out of any real desire to color, and he wouldn't stay there long. Anything he was forced to color would end up looking like this every single time:

Today, he sat at the coloring table a long time, working with markers intently and asking for various colors. When i went over to see how he was doing, i was astonished to see him coloring different parts of the picture individually instead of just scribbling a bit and then giving up.

Yeah, he's not artist, but he's three. It was so strangely thrilling to see him hunched over and coloring so intently. It made me so happy for him! And as i watched him, i wondered, "what did he see before? Did he see the picture? did he even see the lines? What did it look like before the glasses?"

I am so happy for my little guy. And what an incredible blessing to live in an age where children, who can't even verbalize such things properly, can get problems that we never knew existed diagnosed and treated. If not for the esotropia, we  would never have gotten him checked out. It would have taken a lot longer to realize he was far-sighted, perhaps not until he was in school. When i'd sit down to try to teach him letters or numbers, i'd always assumed he was just distracted or unfocused. I wouldn't have even thought it was his eyes that were unfocused.

And the day's not even out yet! I'm excited to see what other wonders he will experiance as time goes on.

Riley's Eyes

Riley has a crossed eye. He had it as a baby, but since it seemed to go away as he got older, we didn't think much of it. Then it started to crop up more often, and since it only happened when he was tired, we again shrugged it off as maybe a lazy eye, or just being plain tired. Last October, while visiting my mom in Lethbridge, it became so common that everyone noticed, and encouraged me to get it checked out. I made a mental note to do just that, but in the midst of Jonah's arrival and Christmas insanity, it kept getting forgotten.


(Jonah's crying because he's hungry, though i can see the boys having laughs later in life, joking about how Riley's eyes used to make babies cry)

But i started watching it. It was crossing  more and more, becoming more prominent. It wasn't just when he was tired, it was popping up (or in?? hee hee hee...) whenever he'd try to focus on something, or whenever he was relaxed and unfocused, and particularly when i'd try to take his picture. Straight-on photos of Riley's face are either like the above, or squinky:

Today, we finally got in to see the eye doctor. We had an appointment a few months ago, but it was cancelled and they wanted to move the appointment to the day before Jonah's due date. I told them i'd call after the baby was born - yeah, it took me this long to reschedule. i'm really on top of things.

I was so proud of Riley. He sat so still while they checked his eyes with the machines. He didn't much like the "spoons" they covered his eyes with to check one or the other, but he didn't fuss. They gave him 3D glasses and had him point out, from a lineup, the picture that "sticks out". He got 1/3. They also quizzed him with some of those color blindness circles, having him trace a line with his finger. They had black and white pictures of objects for him to identify instead of letters: Flower, bird, hand, dog, etc. After a while, the doctor said Riley was far-sighted, which was partially why his eye was crossing when he'd try to focus on things close-up.



He was surprised when he measured the eyes and found the degree of far-sightedness wasn't has bad as he expected. He wanted to dilate the pupils to be extra sure of the measurements, so he put some drops in Riley's eyes. We had to wait a half hour for them to take effect, so we went out to run errands quickly before coming back for the rest of the test.

(sorry it's fuzzy - the flash hurts Riley's eyes - but the enormous pupils make me giggle. i keep thinking of Puss in Boots on Shrek 2)



The Doctor looked in Riley's eyes again, finding the measurements only slightly higher than the first ones. He felt that a stronger lens would do better for the crossed eye, though, so he tested him with some of the lenses in the machine before finally writing his prescription.

The final diagnosis was surprising - not a lazy eye, but worse. Riley has esotropia, which, in simple terms, is a condition in which the eyes are unable to focus together. The muscles that control the right-left movement of the eye are unbalanced, the inner stronger than the outer, causing the eye to be pulled inward. He was prescribed glasses, and will need to be reassessed after wearing them for a month, and he will have an appointment with a muscle surgeon in Edmonton to see if surgery is needed to balance the muscles. I hope it won't come to that, but time will tell. I've read there are therapy options, but i don't know if we are in an area equipped for such things. We'll be dicussing it with the Doctor later on.

Photo Update

Since the party, we havent been doing much of anything, but here's some cute pictures of my kids. ;)

Elijah got a playdough set for his birthday, and we all had a blast with "family play-doh  night"!

Family Cuddles after General Conference on Sunday.

I call him "happy baby". Boy, is this a happy kid!! How lucky i am!

Elijah is little mr. mom. He loves to take care of the baby.

This is what happens when i try to get a nice picture of my kids:

Eventually:

Good enough.

 4 Months old, 18 pounds!!

 Be back soon... i hope!!



Elijah's Birthday Bash!!

If you've been over to my other blog since March, you've probably already seen this post. I'm just super behind here on the family blog...

Well, it was a lot of work and a lot of stress, but i pulled it off! The party was a blast, and here i am to share some highlights!

We started out with a light lunch. I put together some basic snack foods, trying my best to focus on healthier foods (and some not so healthy). I made them fun by giving them names:

(you can't see it too well, but the cheese "viking huts" were cut into squares and triangles to make little houses)
I didn't get a picture of the red punch, which was labled "Lava". One of the boys wouldn't drink it because lava is too hot to drink!! hahahaha!

Then we outfitted the kids for the dragon hunt:

The kids decorated their shields with markers, then grabbed their swords and hats and practiced fighting the balloons! They had a blast hitting the balloons around the room with their swords. One of the boys accidentally popped a balloon, and his mom exclaimed "Good job! You killed the balloon!" After that, Riley followed me around for a good 15 minutes begging me to help him "kill" a balloon! (i didn't comply because i absolutely hate popping balloons! I know, i'm no fun.)

Then we went on a dragon hunt, using the dragon manuals. I had hidden candies and toys around the building, with pictures of different dragons on each of them. They were given their treat bags to put their dragons in as they found them.

 

After the hunt, we played games. We fed the dragons:

And used the dragon tails i made to have a relay race.

Each child got a chance to knock over three 2L pop bottles. I filled them with a little bit of water and food coloring to make them heavier and a little tougher to knock over. I also had to stand them on boxes to make them taller.

After the games, it was time for presents, then cake!! And i have to say, i LOVED this cake! i was so happy that it turned out even better than i expected! It took three hours, and was demolished in three minutes, but it was so worth it!!

Since the cake wasn't quite enough for all our guests, i made the viking hat cupcakes, this time with little sleeves i made on the computer. There were intended to be the iron rim on the bottom of viking helmets. I still can't decide whether i like them or not, but there you go.

I ran out of colored ink, which is why they look a little strange, but thankfully they were supposed to be gray anyway.

After the cake, we did the Wooden Spoon Toothless craft, and i was so busy helping the kids that i didn't even get one photo of the whole activity! (sad face)

In their treat bags, they got all the dragon hunt treats along with their manuals and a little coloring book.

I found printable "How to Train Your Dragon" coloring pages here, then made them into a little booklet and included an inexpensive box of crayons from the department store's party section. I made the little embroidered treasure pouches and filled them with little plastic gold coins, from the party section of the dollar store. Inside the 'monstrous nightmare eggs" were those little "bug-eye" things that multiply everything you look at through them (what do you call those??). Josh's mother brought up the "How to Train Your Dragon" treats from Idaho on her last visit - chocolate dragon eggs and FunDips with characters on them! A great addition! They also got to take home their hats, swords and sheilds, and their wooden spoon Toothless.

It's a sad fact of life that the hostess doesn't get to really enjoy the parties she puts together because she's too busy hostessing! I didn't get as many pictures as i would have liked, and it seemed to end far too quickly, but the kids all had a blast, and that's what's important!